lost love

 It's been said that we don't recognize the significant moments of our lives while they're happening. We grow content with ideas and things and people, and we take them for granted. And it's usually not until that thing is taken away that you realize how wrong you've been, that you realize how much you really need it, how much you love it. Well, this didn’t hit me until a couple of weeks ago. Of course, I was initially saddened by our break up, but I was always moving in a forward direction, always going, and never had time to think about what I was losing. These last couple of weeks, I have realized that it is over between us, and I have never felt so much pain in my entire life. Memories of you and I are strewn into every fabric of my being, every place I go, every face I greet, every song I hear, every movie that I watch. The memories you and I have shared, the places you and I have gone, the laughter and the tears that you and I have shared together, these things have bonded us and will forever remain in our hearts. They are sentimental moments that only you and I have memories of, no one else can reach them. And I will cherish them forever. I will never smile at anyone else the way I smiled at you, I will never hug or laugh or play with anyone else the way I did with you. That smile, that hug, kiss, and laugh, they will forever be yours. There was never a time when I was more honest, and my convictions were stronger, and my motives were more pure than when I was with you. And if I could go back and change the way things happened,  I would. But I wouldn’t change that I was with you. I’m not sure what happened to me. Maybe I got scared because it was happening too fast. Maybe I wanted to hold on to what we had. Or maybe I knew there were other things we had to find before we found each other. All I really know for sure is that the love I professed to you will always be there, and the spark of something undeniable, a seed of hope, the truth for better or for worse burns fiercely just below the surface of my heart. I don’t know, I've become a real believer in not defining every single thing. I guess all I’ve really done this entire letter is define, but it seems like every time you think you've figured out what something is, it just becomes something else. Since my time at home, I have been by our secret places, where we would spend hours talking or laughing or crying, places you would sing and play the guitar for me, places we didn’t want our parents knowing we were, places like Disney and House of Blues and New Smyrna Beach and my jean couch downstairs and Publix, and all of these places have a song all their own. They sing our songs; the melodious tunes off an incredible love story; songs of true happiness and deep sadness. I have discovered that it’s not the location or the time in which we were at these places that makes these memories so real and special, it rests solely in the fact that we were together. My jean couch is just a simple jean couch, but when I look at that couch I see you and I, the room comes to life and is filled with love and joy. This makes my jean couch extraordinary, because that’s what you and I were. Although we no longer share these moments, and although this love will one day become nothing but faded memories and a great first love story, I want you to know that I cherish the time we spent together. I guess it really is true, you never realize what you have and by the time you do, it’s too late.  I know that we can’t be together. I know that I have hurt you so deeply. And I want to say I’m sorry. I am truly, deeply, sorry. I guess that’s why this has been so difficult for me recently. I was so caught up in self -pity, realizing how badly I had hurt you and remembering all the fighting and just wanting to feel “free”. All I wanted to do was be away from you, to be by myself and not let anyone else direct my life. But the more and more I thought about you and I, only good memories filled my head. Like the first time I ever saw you, our first dance and first kiss, and then the simpler memories. Like looking into your eyes, how proud I was watching you surf, making mac and cheese and watching tv for hours and drinking sweet tea. I hope you always remember me with these happy moments as I remember you. I know that I have caused damage that can’t be undone, and for that, I am forever mournful. But I am forever grateful that I got to be apart of your amazing life.. We really did love each other, and I’m not sure that our love will ever go away. You were the best friend I ever had, and I'm not only saddened by the loss of a lover, but of a soul mate. I’m sorry, I didn’t write this to rehash the past. I was just reminded today that the most perfect act of love is sacrifice. I love you. And I have since the first moment we locked eyes and it is going to suck but maybe part of loving is learning to let go. I’m not sure where this next quote comes from, but I like it a lot. “So, seeing as how I won't be around, I thought I would give you a little list of the things that I wish for you. Well, there's the obvious. An education. Family. Friends. And a life that is full of the unexpected. Be sure to make mistakes. Make a lot of them, because there's no better way to learn and to grow. And, I want you to spend a lot of time at the ocean, because the ocean forces you to dream, and I insist that you be a dreamer. I want you to feel safe always. And then there's love. I want you to love to the tips of your fingers, and when you find that love, wherever you find it, whoever you choose, don't run away from it. But you don't have to chase after it either. You just be patient, and it'll come to you. Don't be afraid. And remember, to love is to live.”
Remember that your mistakes don’t define you, they are just pieces to the whole picture, and the whole picture, that’s what defines you.  Be happy. I want that with all my heart. I hope you run free and don’t stop. Love deeply, laugh as much as you can, and embrace every moment that comes your way. Don’t be afraid to cry. Hold nothing back. Show the world who you are. Dance. Sing. Surf your brains out. Live out loud. Maybe you'll get everything you wish for. Maybe you'll get more than you could have ever imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination.
Remember me.